There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:
A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does?
If you’re Christian, it’s Easter time. If you’re Jewish, it’s passover. If you’re a cat, it’s fur shedding season. If you’re Canadian, it’s SPRING! All which represent new life.
I think we’re always suffocated with religious babble or Easter eggs, that it’s easy to resent any talk of all this symbolism. But I love it because of the marshmallow bunnies (Peeps) and because it feels like a breath of fresh air in the life cycle. I dunno about y’all but the minute we had a nice day, I busted out the plans of summer BBQ’s and surfing.
But there’s a serious undertone floating around of anger, war, betrayal and resentment amongst people I speak with lately. Doesn’t it feel like everyone is basically saying “I’m realizing I can trust no one and all I have is myself?” I just really feel in my heart to speak on it.
I am the queen/president/wrote the book on taking things personal. There’s nothing anyone can say to me about it because once I feel personally attacked, I have my own process of letting it go. What I’m saying is that, this writing is coming from a real place of experience. It took me five years of school doing psychology stuff and running the monster “The Forgiveness Project” to get to this point but even if it’s the only thing I know in this world, it’s this:
when someone does you wrong, it’s not about you.Again - when someone does you wrong, it’s not about you.
I want someone to battle me on this - what has revenge and hate done for us as a society? I’m not even talking about as a hiphop community but as the world as a whole. My homegirl Janna really said it best to me “When I was betrayed by someone who I put my heart into, it took me time to see it but now I feel for them because they live with that regret.”
I’m not talking about little lies or someone cut in front of you at the gas station - that’s small in the world scheme. I’m talking about finding out your best friend betrayed you in the worst way or you were raped by an acquaintance or someone murders a family member. These are all things WE ALL deal with/hear about every day.
It took me years of life experience to realize this but it’s the only truth I live and breathe: when someone does you wrong, it’s not about you
Thus, your role in being a victim is to now take your experience into a positive place. Healing at whatever cost to give you control back. Revenge and hate are not control, they are YOU being controlled. The worst thing you could do is take the hurt to a place which creates a cycle of pain around you. Keep that cliche in your head that if someone knew better, they would have done better. When I think of reasons why I hurt people, it was usually because they brought out a reflection in me that I didn’t like.
If you feel years of resentment is built up with you, I really encourage you to take this season to look at it and sit with it. I promise you if we were to take a look into the lives of whoever did the hurting, there are probably issues there you NEVER could have imagined. Hurt people HURT people.
Don’t get it twisted - I am not saying to invite your enemy over for dinner with your parents. I’m challenging a sense of wisdom within our community about how we deal with the demons that OTHER people have.
We’re better than to have our hearts all black and scorned, man. So much better.
My homegirl (and kindred spirit) Nikki sent me this today. Her 11 year old nephew wrote it on bullying, as he was a victim himself.
BULLYING- DYLAN TAYLOR
There was this guy in my school and guess what he does… oh wait… I don’t want to offend anyone, because that would be rude. Some people in the world are mean to other people. Actually, most people are mean to other people. They call them names and make fun of they’re shapes, sizes and colour of skin. This is called, BULLYING.
As a child, because I’m now old and wise of course, I too, was bullied. This one time I was trying to go to the washroom, and this HUGE guy, came into the bathroom and JUMPED ME. He grabbed my ridiculously long hair, and shoved my head, RIGHT IN THE TOILET. That folks is called a swirly. You should probably, avoid these at all costs, because not only do they suck but you end up smelling like toilet for the rest of the day! Guys, smelling like toilet? – not a big winner with the ladies.
Okay so then this other time, I was walking across the playground – holy Murphy, it’s a warzone, like actually. Well there were these kids, playing redrover and I was all like, hey guys, can I play? Want to know what their answer was? GO AWAY CRACKER BOY! What on earth, is a CRACKER BOY? Does that mean I look like a cracker? DO I LOOK LIKE A CRACKER? I mean, I know I’m a little square but what does that have to do with CRACKERS? Then it clicked… Most of those dudes were black… They were calling me PASTY! That folks, is called RACISM which is SO NOT COOL. So naturally, I turned around and yelled, FINE! AND YOU CAN GO TELL THAT, HOMEBOY! Which, by the way, Antoine Dodson totally copied.
Finally, I came in from recess and standing in the doorway was… HE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED. The school bully. You see, he was a pretty big kid and I’m not talking “tall”, I mean… big… I secretly felt bad for him, because I figured he got teased a lot about his size and that’s probably why he was soooo mean to everyone else. In a leap of faith, I walked up to… let’s call him Joe… So, I walked up to Joe, and said Hey Dude! Wanna go to the computer lab? He looked at me like I had just grown a second pair of arms! Some girls walked around the corner at that exact moment and started laughing at us, me the scrawny kid, because I was, back then – and the super huge bully… Joe then took that opportunity to push me into the door and walk away muttering “jerk” as he went along. That folks, is a variation of PEER PRESSURE. Like, what the heck?
So, to conclude this awesome speech. Bullying is BAD. It pretty much screwed up my juvenile life, like legit. So, I’m telling all of you, DON’T BULLY PEOPLE. Or the anti-bullying ninjas will find you. And you, yes you, and you and you, will NEVER, EVER, EVER, even THINK about bullying again.
Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.
I run the F-YOU project and speak all the time on forgiveness, even getting in some serious street dudes faces about it, and I do it with confidence. When others actually take in what I say about forgiving, it opens an amaaaazing conversation. I’m really proud of that message.
HOWEVER, the universe needed to show me what was really up. These last three months, I’ve been dealing with betrayal and selfishness in stacks. I’ve had things done against me that I still can’t believe. So now, more than ever, I am a living testimony of forgiveness because I am so happy and at peace in this moment. I’ve compiled my tips and what I’ve learned along the way:
1- forgiveness is for NO ONE but yourself. The other person doesn’t even need to know you have forgiven them, its for your peace of mind only.
2- once you’ve forgiven, do not look back. Do not question your decision or bring it up in an argument.
3- if you believe in a god, give it to her/him. The world has an incredible way of aligning our lives to expose truth, trust in that power.
4- know that forgiving is not approving the action done against you. Rather, it is accepting that there was a circumstance or condition that took place for a person to wrong you. Forgiveness is not approval, its a wisdom.
The dead things in our lives are killing us. We’ve never been what we could have been because we’re so focused on what we lost over what we have. This means a bad day, a break up, a death, hurt.. Its all gone.
All that you need is all that you have left. Once we realize that, the ache of depression and bitterness is lifted.